I am not the trauma I've experienced...and neither are you...

 I almost labeled this post as "I am not my trauma"...but I paused and thought about how important it is to be mindful of how you use your words. The trauma was and is not mine, I was having human experiences, just like in everything else. Except a few of them still hurt or...haunt me from time to time...no longer physically but mentally. As if its stained into my brain or something...

I have never painted or claimed myself as a victim, even when people shunned me for not doing so. I've wronged people and people have wronged me. The difference though, that dramatically separates me from them, is that my intentions have always been pure. I've never consciously set out to cause anyone pain; not mentally, physically or mentally. So, when events occur that put me in a position for someone to intentionally cause me harm, I have to ask myself..."What is this experience teaching me?", What series of events led to this?" and "Where do I go from here?". I may not always like the answers to those questions but it keeps me from asking "Why me?" or "What did I do to deserve this?".

You don't always have to "do something" for someone to commit an unjust act toward you. BUT, nothing is by coincidence. At least, not within my beliefs. 

That being said, over the years...or months, for some experiences, I've had time to sit think about what these experiences taught me and how they changed my life hopefully for the better in the long run.

I had to completely remove the people from the equations so it wasn't as painful and look at the situation in it's entirety. Honestly until you've learned the lessons you are supposed to learn, the same things will keep occurring in your life through different people and different experiences...or as my mother always says "Insert said person here.". 

Although I shouldn't feel embarrassed about these happenings, ideally...but more often than not I do...

The new year still taunts me every year. I'm learning to disassociate the memory....But I'll never forget 1/1/2016. My life changed forever at that point...

For years I was in a relationship with someone who was unworthy of me. Therefor they didn't know how to treat me. He didn't know how to keep me without making me feel like I had to fight for our love...literally and figuratively. I had a "weigh the pros and cons" and  "show me a sign please, Universe"  battle with myself all too regularly. I had to realize that those were all the signs I needed. I had to know that having to fight for my relationship all the time, and my life sometimes...is not normal. But I knew that...

 Of course it didn't start off as that...Looking back now being fully withdrawn from the situation, the first red flag was him asking me to buy him something from the mall our first date lol. But, I was 17 and working full time, I didn't think anything of "buying my man a nice gift". BUT NOW, I get sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that he didn't show me a monetary token of appreciation until after our second child smh. Part of my acceptance of that was that he was "trying" to get up in this world as a black man and I didn't need fancy gifts to reassure his love...bullshit pick me shit. Second, he didn't show up to my graduation...still, I forgave him...Third, pushing me up against the wall aggressively while I was pregnant for expressing an emotion he didn't like "in the wrong setting"...but I still didn't realize it then...we had plenty different episodes after that. But it was nothing that was too frequent, physical or too traumatizing that I felt like I wanted to leave. It was all pretty much emotional, but even still... I stayed. I felt like those weren't things we couldn't move past.

We established from jump that we wanted to be together forever, have a big family, build wealth and be our full authentic artist selves for the rest of our lives...that was all pretty much one-sided though...those were MY desires that he simply agreed to...and crumbled in a span of 4 year all due to a poorly built foundation. We were from two totally different worlds. I firmly believe that there are extreme differences between those raised on/in love and those raised on/in survival... And unless those differences are discussed and worked on/through...you'll both remain in two different worlds...unevenly yoked.

It wasn't really until after the birth of my second son when I realized our relationship could never actually worked the way I envisioned...or at all.

From throwing objects, pushing, spitting, to full blown slapping, punching, biting, choking...

I still can't believe that during the last episode, last fall...as I'm screaming for help begging for someone in the apartment building to help me...this man told me that nobody was coming to save me...Those exact words..."Nobody is coming to save you!" choking me and claiming the fate of my life in his hands...and immediately after, there was knocking at the door SO hard, fear struck his whole body and he was immediately civil enough for me to get out. You can't tell me God isn't real...

But even after that...I STILL TRIED!

I couldn't give up on my family, my pride wouldn't let me. Ego is a mf ain't it. I couldn't fail at family, that was the one thing in my life I tried so hard to keep together. I felt like if I was to decide to not be with him anymore and move on with my life that no one would fully accept me or my children, that they my boys would hate me for not being with their father...so many things ran through my mind every time I left...I always heard his voice telling me that I was unlovable by anyone that wasn't him...it was so loud that inevitably I was his "boomerang" as he called me...no matter how many times I left I'd be back...the same cycle, for four years.

Until I ultimately had enough. I decided to move on for the final time...and I haven't been back since.

Even then I still tried to keep him in the boys' lives by co-parenting through his family or mine. But that still didn't work...Some things are just embedded in your bloodline...and I cannot, will not, expose my children to anything that could potentially cause them harm not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. At this young age, they've seen and been through enough. I won't allow them to be mistreated or used as pawns in some sick ass mental game.

Everything went entirely too far. I allowed it because I felt like it wasn't really him, that wasn't us...that wasn't how it was supposed to be. I had this naïve hope that one day he would snap out of it, until I realize it was always inside of him...his ability to become that...It was just no longer concealed, the veil was lifted and all the holds that were once there were no longer controlled. The floodgates of hell opened and all of his demons were being unleashed on me. The bad outweighed the good. I was the provider, I was the protector, I was the nurturer, I was the healer, I was EVERYTHING so often that I had no room for rest, I was drained. I was the thinnest I had ever been in my life...I had nothing left for me at the end of everyday for years. I'm still carrying that exhaustion most days...

The arguing, the fighting, the drinking, the smoking, the sex... It's like he wanted to keep me numb from what was really going on. I now know he had his own hidden agenda the entire relationship. For months after the fact I felt like a fool for not seeing it sooner.

I just can't believe I wore those rose colored glasses for so long...we always argued...literally since the beginning of the relationship, before kids. It was like I always had to prove myself to him. Prove that he was the only one, prove that I loved him and would do whatever.

I know that's a lot, but it ain't even the half. I'm choosing not to project my trauma onto anymore, I want people to learn from me and my errs, and potentially prevent or stop a rollercoaster of trauma.

So...now I choose me, I choose my kids, I choose my peace of mind, I choose certainty and I choose to flourish... I show up and I'm present everyday able to focus on my growth and my journey without having to wonder whether or not somebody is on some weird or violent shit...

That's why now, I'm not proving shit to anybody. You can see me for what I am, what I stand for and know that I'm solid. I've learned that 9/10 the people that want you to prove yourself to them are the ones that really need to be proving themselves to you.

I still apologize for things I shouldn't, feel the need to be overly defensive even when I'm in a safe space, carry self defense equipment wherever I go, and recluse even when I really need interaction just because I can never really guess how people will respond to me in that moment.  

My jaw still pops when I chew from when he punched me in the face in a parking lot full of people while I was holding our one year old. My lip never healed properly from when he beat my ass on Father's Day 2018...I still can't ride through Mt. Airy without getting flashbacks.

I try to deny the fact that these are all symptoms of the aftermath, or as scientifically described, post traumatic stress disorder.

I also had to learn that things in my life happen in patterns if I'm not consciously aware...

My father isn't the best with women, and struggles or has struggled to keep his hands to himself with his romantic partners. I saw this growing up and subconsciously attracted it into my magnetic field.

He was the first to put his hands on me, Father's Day of 2014. I still try to bury that shit as deep as possible. Sometimes I even forget about it. But life has a funny way of resurfacing shit and making you face it even when you really don't want to.

For years I knew I was powerful but was unaware of how much power I held, and also unaware of how deserving I am of GOOD things...GREAT things...So I would spend those years subconsciously attracting everything less than what I truly deserve. I would justify staying in these situations claiming that it would get better with time or that the good outweighed the bad. 

Outside of that relationship I've let go of so many people, places and things I acquired in the last 4-5 years...I'm finally free from all the chains I thought I wouldn't break, or never even really knew I needed to break.

I kept quiet about a lot of shit for the longest because nobody believed me unless they were there, everybody always made me out to be the bad guy just because they had a different experience with these people.

But I want to make something clear, when you have a light...that someone could never find in anyone else...they will do ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING to make sure that if they can't have you, if they can't bask in that glow, that your light is diminished forever. I stay prayed up tho, I stay protected and nobody can steal my shine. Believe that.

No longer do I have time to wait shit out. I won't tolerate anything or anyone that isn't serving a positive purpose in my life. I've completely uprooted my life for that specific reason. New home, new number, new mindset, new beginnings. Steady elevating, steady upgrading...Whether it's friends, men, jobs, business, habits or thought patterns. To everyone whose relationship with me ended on bad terms, fuck you and thanks for teaching me such drastic life lessons.

THE END

As always, thanks for reading...peace, love, light and prosperity to you...